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Change Your Marriage Without Changing Your Partner
By Pat LaDouceur
We're good at coming up with ways our partner needs to change - stop yelling, help with dinner, do more laundry, stop working so hard, pay more attention to the kids, be more romantic - the list can be endless. Waiting for those changes to happen can be frustrating, or even lonely. But very often there's an easier way to make a difference in relationships. How we talk, act, and feel can make a huge difference in how our partner acts.
Broken Connections
Relationship difficulties usually start out as "broken connections." Sometimes they start small. Your partner comes home from work tired and distracted, and doesn't respond when you say hello. If you reconnect later in the evening, your bond stays strong. But if you keep "missing" each other, night after night, it can be come part of a negative cycle. You try harder to get your partner's attention; your partner insists more strongly on some quiet time. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle. If the cycle continues to escalate, you might greet your partner with, "You never even say hello when you get home...I might as well be invisible!" Your partner might respond with, "I can't even walk in the door before I'm in trouble. I just can't do anything right!"
Learn to Reconnect
It takes two people for a negative cycle to start. The good news is that it takes only one person to stop it. Even better, the steps you take can be small ones, as long as they are in a new direction. Here are some possibilities...
It can be a challenge to stop focusing on how your partner can change. But it's also inspiring to imagine the warm, satisfying relationship you want, and the partner you want to be. Changing your response, even in small ways, can make a big difference in how you feel in your relationship.
Reference
National Public Radio, October 15, 2009 - http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104351710
Subscribe to my newsletter and get FREE high-quality articles on relationships delivered directly to your inbox. To subscribe, go to http://LaDouceurMFT.com
Pat LaDouceur, MFT helps people build warm, satisfying relationships. She helps couples solve problems around sexuality, affairs, parenting, money, work overload, and emotional distance. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with an office near Berkeley, CA.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Pat_La
By Pat LaDouceur
We're good at coming up with ways our partner needs to change - stop yelling, help with dinner, do more laundry, stop working so hard, pay more attention to the kids, be more romantic - the list can be endless. Waiting for those changes to happen can be frustrating, or even lonely. But very often there's an easier way to make a difference in relationships. How we talk, act, and feel can make a huge difference in how our partner acts.
Broken Connections
Relationship difficulties usually start out as "broken connections." Sometimes they start small. Your partner comes home from work tired and distracted, and doesn't respond when you say hello. If you reconnect later in the evening, your bond stays strong. But if you keep "missing" each other, night after night, it can be come part of a negative cycle. You try harder to get your partner's attention; your partner insists more strongly on some quiet time. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle. If the cycle continues to escalate, you might greet your partner with, "You never even say hello when you get home...I might as well be invisible!" Your partner might respond with, "I can't even walk in the door before I'm in trouble. I just can't do anything right!"
Learn to Reconnect
It takes two people for a negative cycle to start. The good news is that it takes only one person to stop it. Even better, the steps you take can be small ones, as long as they are in a new direction. Here are some possibilities...
- Tune into your own deeper feelings. You might be angry, but are you also scared? On the surface you might feel depressed, but underneath do you feel hurt? When you understand your own response, you can begin to act differently toward your partner.
- Listen for your partner's feelings. When someone you care about complains, it's natural to want to help solve the problem. But that's not necessarily what he or she needs. Most of the time you don't need to "do" anything - just be there, be curious, and listen.
- Look for the the dreams hidden in your partner's side of the story. Beneath every disagreement, every problem that never seems to get solved, are two dreams - yours and your partner's. Do your best to understand your partner's dreams before starting to negotiate a compromise or a solution.
- Come up with non verbal ways to connect. Sometimes the easiest way to repair a bond is to take a walk together, have a cup of tea, enjoy a movie, or just touch your partner on the arm or shoulder. A touch or a hug can be incredibly comforting.
- Have compassion for your partner's deeper feelings, even when you disagree with how the problem is being presented. New research suggests that we might affect each other in amazingly subtle ways. Randomized, double blind studies at the University of Washington and University of Edinburgh found that couples might even affect each other with their thoughts. The studies put partners in different rooms. Then one partner was asked to send "loving, compassionate intention." Even with no visible or physical contact, the other partner registered changes in blood flow and perspiration. The odds of this happening by chance were only 1 in 11,000.
It can be a challenge to stop focusing on how your partner can change. But it's also inspiring to imagine the warm, satisfying relationship you want, and the partner you want to be. Changing your response, even in small ways, can make a big difference in how you feel in your relationship.
Reference
National Public Radio, October 15, 2009 - http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104351710
Subscribe to my newsletter and get FREE high-quality articles on relationships delivered directly to your inbox. To subscribe, go to http://LaDouceurMFT.com
Pat LaDouceur, MFT helps people build warm, satisfying relationships. She helps couples solve problems around sexuality, affairs, parenting, money, work overload, and emotional distance. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with an office near Berkeley, CA.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Pat_La